I have waited so long for your whispers

but now I can’t understand what you’re trying to say.

If I put away all my anger then I can’t help softening my heart to you again.

I can’t express the love filled inside my heart because it might burst.

I don’t want to leave and let you go, now that you’ve become reality from my longing.

I wanted to always be at your side.

Even though it hurts I still laugh like this,

because I do not want you to think I am sad because of you anymore.

My heart becomes swollen with the tears I’ve kept inside,

swallowing the bitter pill without any sweetness.

As I become lonelier I somehow find the sudden strength to go on.

When I am weary from sadness, hurt by hate, I might have to just let you go...

I already know that my wait will be longer than my life.

Now that I can’t see you anymore, I can’t see anything else clearly.

The path I walk is dark whether or not I open my eyes.

You wouldn’t know, about the scars I keep hidden inside.

Soon you will fade as a story I once heard, and become a secret I hold deep inside.

Even if you don’t love me anymore,

Even if you don’t look for me anymore I always think of you.

I wont’ ever know what you were thinking

So what I may say might hurt you.

I understand that you are not the one for me.

We don’t fit one another

From the moment I saw you, when you entered my heart, you weren’t the one.

This isn’t a movie, with happy endings

The beautiful endings don’t exist.

Each day becomes ordinary, nothing happens.

Who will know that we have separated?

Who will know about our conversations?

This isn’t a drama that we enjoyed

When I opened my eyes, the tears still fall.

The memories of you and I starts to fade.

I’m sorry I’m not the one

You can’t love me anymore and I must learn that I’ can’t love u anymore.

Look at me losing my breath.

I love you even though you leave.

Even though you aren’t by my side.

Don’t look at me for I will have learned to have forgotten you.

I’ll let you go like you wanted.

I’ll live on smiling as if I’m happy.

So that you can live like that...

So that you will never know how much I loved you.

When I saw you leaving, I couldn’t say anything.

It seems like I might become a burden.

Because I lack so much for your happiness.

I am sorry I am not the one you love.

Don’t say anything.

I don’t want to listen to an awkward explanation.

I’m a burden, I’ll let you go.

Do not feel sorry, although this is a separation I don’t want.

I can’t hold onto you any longer.

I can’t believe in your love now.

Has all the love you’ve shown been a lie?

Was the time that you spent with me just a small act so that you could stay around until you no longer needed me?

Was the future that you promised me this kind of pain and loneliness?

If it is that you’ve met someone better than me then I don’t want to block your love.

If you are really leaving then please go just a little slower.

So that I can erase you first.

Now that I am never again going to trust in any kind of love.

This is my last favor, be good to the one who has taken my place.

When I wake up I am not happy.

The after effect of being without you is hard for my soul.

I’m living with so much difficulty.

However, you don’t even know.

I know that it’s not me.

I am not worthy enough for even a blink of your eye.

Yesterday, I laid my head on my desk and I think I fell asleep grieving for you.

When I opened my eyes, the tears had smudged your name and hopeless doodles.

I won’t cry, I won’t say a thing as you leave me.

I know that I can survive as I knew this breakup was coming.

Forget about it all, how much my heart wants to call your name.

Suddenly, the sadness hits and I shudder,

time passes without any explanation.

I can’t have you anymore

You’ve taken a place in my memories.

I’m left with a cruel scar of love, of foolishness.

After I cry my eyes get puffy.

With them, I look around for you.

Where are you?

Just in case I see a small part of you,

I force myself to sleep less.

I laugh like a laughing doll.

It’s true...I cry and then laugh like a fool.

(He left for another b4 i could say this) 

I said that I had to go I really had no choice
I only cried while holding the telephone
I promised that I'll definitely come back
and things would be better then.
The long wait for you will give me love
But I worry that I'll only give you pain
Forgive me I can be such an idiot

If the day we meet comes,
I'm going to hold you tight within my arms

and say that you were the only reason to live.

You were the only reason for want of something better.
If the hard road we travel together comes to an end
The day when I close my eyes next to yours
Let your heart Remember this,

you were my love.

I wonder as I close my eyes, will I forget you?
thinking that I couldn’t fall asleep on those sad nights
Because even if I dream and i was to see you,

I was worried that I will cry
I couldn’t bare to open my eyes when daylight came.

However far from my sight you are,

you should know that u are always near in my heart~

On gloomy days of rain and cold

my heart wants desperately to feel you
As if I have waited for a very long time,
This love that's growing inside me each day
makes only the longing more sharp
i want to hear u say to me that u are the one,
and that u know from now on I'll protect you always with
this reason: because I love you

Those many days that will be filled with worry,

when i am far away from you
Forget all of them now for the time being.

Even if there are many quarrels, don't leave me. Since you're more special to me than the world.

So Now I will confess to you
I will say that I love you so you won't be lonely anymore
I want to put myself in your heart
In the midst of busy city lights,
I want my heart to rest in you

It wasn’t easy finding how to say these words
even knowing that I always loved you
I want to stay by your side
Stay with me like you did in the beginning

I say that even if I live, it's not living.
Because the sky, without you,

seems like a windowless prison.

even if I laugh, it's not laughing.

I look shabby and it looks like I'm crying.

Even if I loved you, I couldn't say it.
I couldn't even show any sign of emotion.
but I missed you even when I slept.

As you live these future days and nights without me at ur side
when you're having a hard time blame me

For your sadness until you feel refreshed.

When you cry and you're worn out.
If it's really hard for you than just once could
you remember me, when times are rough?

Even when I am with my friends I feel an emptiness deep inside.

If it were something I could have given up,

I wouldn’t have taken notice of it to begin with.

Though there are days when I get hurt and am about to break

and days where I worry u by crying.

I promise I’ll protect everything that’s important to me,

I’ll put everything into protecting the things I don’t want to lose. We’re not good with words, so I may hurt u and u may hurt me.There are days when I feel lonely and days when I feel miserable but I know I’m never alone you’re here.

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I tried to keep me in your mind
I tried to keep me by your side
with all the love and time I've shared with you
you would always find another one, what am I to do?
I tried to keep me in your life
I tried to keep me close to you
even with the love that I gave to you
I could always find another one lying close to u
even after all the we been through
I can't live my life alone without your love
I can't understand what am I to do?
All the love you gave to me
all the lies you said to me at night
I loved you so, it didn't matter then
even after all I had, I can't leave you in my past
I will promise you my love will be so true, forever with you.
I tried to keep me in your harm
with the pain i felt so deep within
if you could understand the way you make me feel
open up your heart and see who's right here waiting by your side.

(Good luck with your new girl)

I wonder when it first began. The transition from liking him to loving him. I think back to the memories that we've made together, which now seems to me so few and yet so precious to my heart. I suppose that if I had known then what I know now; I would have cherished him better. I’d be inclined to have spent every possible moment I could with him.

Why didn’t I notice the love he had for me sooner? There isn’t a day that passes by, where thoughts of him haven’t crossed my mind. I’ve always thought I’d know love when it came. Even in the past with all my mistakes, I always thought I’d recognize it when it hit me. But somehow with him- love was different. It was something that happened one day without me knowing.

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Remembering back to the day I first heard him on the line. How i teased him about the sound of his voice. **~It must have been cruel for you to have me tease you like that, after you worked up the courage to call me. Thinking back you must have been so nervous that first time.~**

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When I first laid my eyes on him-I thought to myself I could talk to this guy because he’s harmless. It’s not like I would fall in love with him. How I underestimated him and the power of his love. I didn’t want to fall in love at the time. Didn’t want to have to hurt anymore. I guess all I remember about love was the sadness and suffering I had endured. I had forgotten what it is that made love worth fighting for.

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Funny isn’t it? That’s how we began the story of him and me. **~Those first few days were like a dream. I could share with you all my happiness and sadness without ever worrying. Those were good days; were they not? And it all started because I underestimated you and your love. Because I was in so much pain that I was blinded by every message you sent towards me. For that, I am sorry. It must have been frustrating for you to see me love another, paying no regards toward you. When in your heart, I had already begun to make my nest there.**~

 How foolish I was to have thought so little of his love for me. All I could hear were the sounds of my own screams. They were so loud that I couldn’t hear him calling out to me. Perhaps it was then I started to like him. Maybe…or maybe not…no I don’t think that’s when.

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Perhaps it was when he told me for the first time he loved me. How I laughed and jokingly blew him off. **~I know it was difficult for you dear, for me to push aside your feelings and heart so casually. For me to take what you meant with all your heart and think of it as a joke.**~ Thinking back to it, I must have damaged his pride. How foolish of me to not hear his pain when it was just as loud as mine. How foolish of me to not have noticed the little hurts I dealt him. 

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But it wasn’t all sadness for us. In fact most of it was spent with laughter and happiness. Time sped and slipped away so quickly.

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Then during the year, I came home to him but didn’t let him know until I was leaving again. I didn’t say it at the time, but when I was home so near him I really wanted to let him know. **~Deep inside, I knew that you knew I was home. It must have bothered you. I wanted to acknowledge to you that I had you in my thoughts. But I don’t know why I didn’t at the time, maybe because acknowledging you meant that I had to admit that you had a place in my heart.**~ Why is it so hard for me to say those words to him that I knew he really wanted to hear. When did I become so weak in matters of love. Maybe that’s when it began-my fear of telling him what really was in my heart.

 Odd isn’t it? We as human beings sometimes avoid the best things in our lives. I get so one- sided but I can’t help it. That’s just the way I am. All I ever knew was how to love someone else. It was so selfish of me, I was afraid to admit to myself that I could love again.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I try to remember all the happy times we’ve spent, together but it seems to me that I can’t recall a specific event because there have been so many shared with him. Little by little, he snuck up on me. Like rain on a sunny day. He filled my heart with his love, until it brimmed to the top of the glass and overflowed. One might ask- how could I not have noticed it. Didn’t I feel the changes in my own heart, to see how steadfastly he was making a place in my life? The truth was I really didn’t want to notice it at the time. I couldn’t say when liking him became loving him.

Seems like when I think forward in my memories I’ve always just liked him as a friend. Someone I can tell my secrets to and share my dreams with. Yet when I think backwards, it appears that I’ve loved him for the longest time. I’ve held him near my heart for as long as I can remember. I couldn’t tell you when that moment was……the moment when love was born.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

He started to call me his girlfriend. At the time I only laughed and brushed it off as if I hadn’t hear him say those words. I told him that I never agreed to date him. But he was persistent-he simply said that he’ll keep calling me his girlfriend until the day I acknowledge it. I didn’t tell him then but I smiled when he said that. If you asked me then why I smiled, I would have told you it’s because he was such a fool. I didn’t know it at that moment but he had already begun to be irreplaceable to me.  I don’t know when I started to stop laughing and denying being his girlfriend. Somehow as days turned into nights, I began to stop refuting it. And over time I didn’t notice it- but I began to call myself his girlfriend. **~I still can’t believe your tactic worked. Who would have thought you’d chip away at my icy heart with repetition. The truth is that the fool between us, was in reality only me.**~

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Even when I hurt him all those little times, he never complained much. When I did stupid things he’d act stupid with me. I know it’s because he loved me- so he was willing to overlook so much of my flaws. **~Thank you for loving someone as flawed as me. Thank you for always having my best interest in your heart. Even when it must have been so difficult for you. Even on the days that I made you cry and hurt you. You were always more worried about me than yourself. Even when it was my fault, you never once raised your voice to me in anger.**~ He doesn’t know it, but the truth is it would have been easier on me if he had just gotten upset at me all those times. It would have been easier on my heart now if he lashed out at me in anger then. But his words of comfort in my ears, only makes the pain in my heart now greater.

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Those nights that he cried and I wasn’t by his side to comfort him-it’s so hard to forgive myself for causing him so much grief. Is this the best I can do in love? Is this all I can do for the one I love? How could I let him down and disappoint him all those times? How foolish are those who don’t even know that they have hurt the one person they should be protecting. Why didn’t I protect him? Because I am a fool- only fools break the hearts of those who loves them.

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Then one day I told him there is so much against us. Too many bad elements that prevent us from being together as a couple. Too many things I had done to break his heart. Things that time won’t change. We didn’t match, not in status, not in finances, not even in goals. Eventually one day he agreed with me. He knew just like I knew that in the end, it would just be a dead end.

Yet, when he broke my heart- I know without a doubt that his was breaking at the same time. No matter how lousy I felt when I heard those words he must have felt even worse. What was my pain but a fraction of his. But even amidst separation his thoughts were only of those to comfort me. To ease my sadness and heartache that he knew I must have felt. Even at the end his concerns were not for himself but for my happiness. **~I didn’t tell you this at the time but I wanted so badly for you to tell me that I was wrong. I wanted to open my lips and shout out to you just all the feelings and thoughts that were in my head, but I couldn’t because I was afraid the burden was too much for you to bear. Your heart must have been heavy enough without me adding to it.**~

I always thought that in a relationship the one who got left behind had suffered the worse pain. But now I know that it isn’t easy leaving someone you love and care about. It isn’t easy hurting them and walking away from them. It’s hard to hurt someone who loves you.

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I didn’t say I love you to him enough times when I could have. I didn’t tell him I loved him when I should have. All those times he said those words and I just smiled and laughed and not said anything back. How foolish I was. Even when he let my hand go his only concern was for me. He didn’t know it then but I’d have given up the world for him to prove me wrong. For him to be as selfish as I was in love.

**~What I really wanted to shout was that I’m sorry. Sorry for the things I’ve done… sorry for the things I should have done but didn’t. Sorry for the fact that I did such a lousy job of protecting your heart. I should have caught you when you fell, but instead all I could do was hurt you. I Hated the words that had to come out of my mouth. Hated the fact that I could only hurt the one I wanted to protect. The one that I loved so much. All I could do was just break your heart, when deep inside I wanted to love you. I wanted to tell you that I didn’t care about the odds. That I don’t care if in the end it took a long time for us to be together. I wanted to tell you that I wasn’t afraid to love you anymore. That I didn’t want you to let me go. That I wanted to fight hard for our love together. That I wasn’t lonely anymore because I had you in my heart. I wasn’t afraid anymore of the sadness and pain that love brings. Because in those moments of painful tenderness- happiness, joy, and content is born. I can’t figure out why I didn’t grab a hold of your hand and tell you those words when you turned away. All I could do was stand there like an idiot and watch you slow drift away. What I’ve always wanted to say but couldn’t or didn’t say to you was simply that……..I…….…love………..you………..**~

I spent the last night crying, over the death of a beloved one. Heartrending isn’t it when u can no longer say those three words u most want to without feeling the pressure and reminder of the lost. Things are different now and no matter how much we both would want to return to those careless days its harder to be able to move forward anymore. Ur not here anymore, and I know the future will be colder without u at my side. The road home is always a lonesome one but what made it worth walking always was the thought of coming home. Now there isn’t anyone there to come home to. I walk thru the door and never again to hear the words “welcome back”. That’s fortune for you, the chance to meet you only to part at the end. I suppose loving someone like me requires a lot of courage. And this u did ur best -but in the end the finales never can change. What’s set in stone cannot be undone, ur past dooms u as mine pushes me forward.

The words u said have taken root in my heart, loving so deeply thus its only logical that my heart hurts now. Memory in my chest turns over and over again- is it true that everyone is as dumb as me. I’m afraid that if we continue to question ourselves it’ll just be crueler to each other. I can feel that ur someone else. Nothing is left of u but a shadow of ur presence in the corner of my eye. I wait for laughter to turn into tears. When love is at its breaking point it seems more pragmatic this way. Too many unanswered questions even if I know the response what difference does it make now. Turns out that acceptance doesn’t need fate, all u need to do is to love the wrong the person and lose them. Heartaches are more sincere and intense than love and happiness. I’ve forgotten how many times this is. The past I cant change for u. loneliness is more realistic than embraces. Love makes u forget urself and lose ur logic. Perhaps I’m being too selfish not wanting to live a lonely life without u. hard to let go and see the future, but I guess that’s the way that love is turning out at this point.  Who remembers who said it first- to always love me. These past words will be come future scars. Time has past and it’s been to long that we’ve forgotten those moments of tenderness. I felt u hold my hand and promise to walk with me until the end. We’ve both forgotten how long we’ve walked together on this road. But deep in our heart we’d knew that eventually we’d have to separate and it’ll all end. Let time tell the truth even though I’m afraid, that by night falls there wont be a future with us anymore. We’re both tired, hard to walk forward when both hearts gotten lost and no matter what there is to say there is no hope. My dearest love why is that? Perhaps even u don’t know honey. Who knows when love started to change? In my eyes and urs we saw different dreams and skies. Walked to far until we got to the fork where we have to separate. Will it be true that u and me will end up with different dreams and futures apart from each other?   I think just some times and not always I’ll try to think of u and think to what could have been ur future. Its too late now that ur gone- never again will it be the same. This holiday will be a long one and the winter snows will muffle my cries and bury me in its coldness. The snow falls tonight here outside of my window, its so fitting that it cries for u and longs for u as I do. Dreams will stay dreams now, never having a chance to be actuality anymore. I’ll toast to u tonight, and drink ur share for u. Destiny doesn’t want to let go no matter how much I beg it.